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Thankyou thankyou thankyou. William has been a great help to our business, helping us when we thought things were impossible. Thanks to William we have been relieved of any financial stress in the most ...

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Forgive me for laughing with my own countrymen!

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

"God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if ah dinna get some money, ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

Lottery night comes but someone else wins. Jock prays again.

"God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!"

Lottery night again! Still no luck. Jock prays again.

"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders, "Jock, at least meet me half way and buy a ticket!"


Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: You must be the worst caddie in the world!

Scottish caddie: That would be too much of a coincidence, Sir.


A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she told him it was an extra good, fourteen year old whisky.

"Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully. "It's very small for its age."


A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.


A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, and can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him a fool. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis. This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The Octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off."


Three Scots and three Poms are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Poms each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englishmen.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," replies one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Poms cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."


Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister. The minister noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds.

"My brother gave me those, but I don't want them. You can have them," said Old Tam.

The minister tucked into them and then said, "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth."

Old Tam replied, "Not really. They had chocolate on them."